Thoughts on Suicide, Fear, and Life

This is what I stumbled upon today. The thing that I liked about it is that it expresses the fear of suicide more clearly than I have ever seen. I generally cave in by saying that I am afraid of suicide because of what will happen to others in my life after me? It is definitely a factor, a big factor I can say. The way I think of it, won’t it be easier for them, if my suicide didn’t looked like suicide but looked like an accident. It will be easier for them to accept the truth then. It will be less painful. The pain of knowing that your son, your brother, your husband killed himself is more than knowing that he died because of an accident(traffic, electrocution any accident). But is that all? Is that the only factor of the fear of suicide. No it’s not. The post expresses, my thoughts more clearly than I have the courage to do so myself. And YES I say the courage to express my feelings toward suicide. Because it’s a little weird, even though I think of dying, even though I think of committing suicide, I fear in expressing my true feelings. And I think it’s because of what anyone would think of me. It’s weird at one hand I think of dying and on the other hand I am ashamed in admitting my true feelings about it and thus cave in and lie.

Kefka Ponders

I was basically asked two questions: Are you afraid of dying? Is that fear why you’re still here?

As to the fear question, the short answer is yes, but it’s more complicated than that. However, that fear is not why I’m still alive. But that question certainly got me thinking… Why am I still here?

I think what I hate most of all is having to deal with all of this in the first place. I don’t want to have to deal with suicide. I don’t want to have to deal with death. But I must because I have something else I have to deal with, something I never wanted to deal with, something I wish I never had: life.

But, oh, how I so do not want to deal with any of this! I want to be spared from life, but in order to do that I must face…

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One thought on “Thoughts on Suicide, Fear, and Life

  1. Hello Ishanatmuz,

    I have found your blog searching for a method of creating a debian package for all my wallpapers to make it easy for sharing, backing it up, etc.

    After accomplishing my goal (Thank you very much for your post on that), I decided to browse your blog for more interesting things. And I found this post.

    It’s sad to know that someone contemplates suicide, to the point of driving me to write something to you, whom I never spoke and if it was not the common desire of sharing my wallpapers to my Linux friends I would never (sort of) meet you.

    And that (apart from many other things) is one of the beauties of Life. If we think about the meaningless of life we will find it. Because like flowers today we are here and any time from now we will no longer be. So in a point of view, yes it is meaningless. So stop looking at the meaningless of life and start looking on Life itself. We have fairly about 80 to 120 year max. So don’t waste your life thinking on finishing it but make the most of it now.

    Don’t live life because other people, the day they die you also will die, if not literally die… you will die inside grieving them. When I say make the most of your life is to take advantage of every single small detail and in everything be positive that after whatever you go through it will go and something else will come. just like life. Yes I believe in God, life after death, etc. If you don’t I respect your decision. But despite all that I can say to you one thing. Live is good when you give it a purpose that is not based on something that will be accomplished in a short space of time or that will depend on someone else.

    Life is a journey and while you are here, enjoy the trip and the people you will meet along the way. Decide where it will take you… yes you are in the driving seat of your life. I decided to give it up for God to be at the drive seat of my life and that decision I never regret. I believe you wouldn’t as well.

Please put in your words.

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