This is what I stumbled upon today. The thing that I liked about it is that it expresses the fear of suicide more clearly than I have ever seen. I generally cave in by saying that I am afraid of suicide because of what will happen to others in my life after me? It is definitely a factor, a big factor I can say. The way I think of it, won’t it be easier for them, if my suicide didn’t looked like suicide but looked like an accident. It will be easier for them to accept the truth then. It will be less painful. The pain of knowing that your son, your brother, your husband killed himself is more than knowing that he died because of an accident(traffic, electrocution any accident). But is that all? Is that the only factor of the fear of suicide. No it’s not. The post expresses, my thoughts more clearly than I have the courage to do so myself. And YES I say the courage to express my feelings toward suicide. Because it’s a little weird, even though I think of dying, even though I think of committing suicide, I fear in expressing my true feelings. And I think it’s because of what anyone would think of me. It’s weird at one hand I think of dying and on the other hand I am ashamed in admitting my true feelings about it and thus cave in and lie.
I was basically asked two questions: Are you afraid of dying? Is that fear why you’re still here?
As to the fear question, the short answer is yes, but it’s more complicated than that. However, that fear is not why I’m still alive. But that question certainly got me thinking… Why am I still here?
I think what I hate most of all is having to deal with all of this in the first place. I don’t want to have to deal with suicide. I don’t want to have to deal with death. But I must because I have something else I have to deal with, something I never wanted to deal with, something I wish I never had: life.
But, oh, how I so do not want to deal with any of this! I want to be spared from life, but in order to do that I must face…
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